Some time ago a man like you got annoyed with his girlfriend. So, one morning, when she was busy eating her Special K, he turned her into a chimp. Later, in the hospital, he told the cops that he had planned to sell her to a laboratory, so that she'd spend the rest of her life testing make-up. The idiot hadn't known about the ways of pissed off adult chimps, but he was given a full lecture. First, the ape tore the place down, making it look like a war zone. Then she turned on him and soon he was a bloody heap hiccuping on a soiled carpet. What about this for poetic justice?
Look how scared I am, he said.
But do you know about the Niagara honeymooners? Well they had been married for a few hours, on the road to Niagara Falls, when the wife realised that her husband was a complete jerk. She decided to dump him ASAP. She waited until they took a room in Niagara City and went to see the falls. Then she threw him in the churning water and saw him disappear forever. She recorded the whole accident with his own camcorder, hoping to put it up for auction at eBay, so that she would get a little something out of her marriage. On her way back to her hotel, she stopped at a veggie restaurant and had a full plate of raw broccoli to celebrate. After that she went to her room, and found her husband dripping wet on the bed, panting and red from exhaustion. "Honey, he said, I really had a hard time swimming up the fall. There was a hell of a current down there. Thank God for these salmon genes".
Hmm. Not too bad, she said. A bit too long perhaps. OK, OK, what about this one?
There was this man who was so jealous that he wouldn't leave his girl alone. He was always asking her and anyone she knew about her whereabouts, about what she had done, about who she had talked to during the day. As she threatened to walk out on him, he made up his mind to have her under surveillance. He organised a fleet of well-paid emasculated stalkers who reported to him every fifteen minutes and were supposed to send pictures and movies when she seemed to be up to something. As nothing ever happened, this itself became suspicious. The man told himself that she was doing all her cheating at home, under his very eyes. What about the time she spent alone in the bathroom? Alone, really? He hired an impotent architect to search the place for secret trapdoors. He rigged the whole house with cameras. He hid several ones in the bathroom, so he could watch her on TV whenever she went there. He covered every corner of the bedroom, because he had felt quite sleepy lately. Probably, she drugged him every night, and