Why can't they never get straight to the point? I don't believe that this profuse procrastination is a standard operational procedure designed out of concern for the client's peace of mind. I bet they just enjoy it. They could just tell how bad it is, how long it will take to fix it, how much it will cost. But no, it has to drag on and on. And then, the coda:

Ma?am, I think there's a wormhole in your bathroom. Yes Ma?am, believe it or not. If I were you, I wouldn't put a finger in there, unless you want to tour the Milky Way in your bathrobe... or worse.

On this, the man winks, as if the whole joke wasn't stale enough. As if lots of people hadn't been actually sucked into their toilet bowl and propelled at c speed throughout other dimensions, to be regurgitated somewhere and sometime. Alive perhaps, but not in this universe. Of course, those who emerge from a sink hole on the other side may become instant celebrities over there.

Wormholes always have humble beginnings. A small tear on the wallpaper. A moisture stain below a water pipe. A dripping tap. A clogged drain. Matter starts flowing away, molecule after molecule, atom after atom, quark after quark. One morning, you?re facing a dark hole and if you insert the smallest part of yourself in it, you just booked yourself a one-way trip to the great beyond. Whole families have disappeared like this. Whole cults too, so perhaps wormholes serve a purpose.

Plumbers have found a new business opportunity in this, and the profession is striving. A plumbers union even lobbied to have the demeaning name of "plumbers" officially replaced by "quantum mechanics". The mechanics union protested, went to court and won the case. Plumbers stayed plumbers, though they did add a few specialised devices to their toolbox. There's the Heisenberg gluon tape, the Mr Quarky cleaner. And now, the man of the art fishes out of his canvas bag a plastic-looking contraption that looks like somebody's missing organ. He has to make a comment:

Look at this beaut?, Ma?am! It's a state-of-the-art OKay D-Wormer. Not only it will remove this wormhole, but it also guarantees that you'll be clean of them for at least three whole Mandy iterations. I?ve been told that it alters the whole spin disposition of the bathroom and makes it unhealthy for quantum worms. They won't crawl in for a while, Ma?am.

From what I?ve read in the papers lately, the Hawkins D-Wormer is know to have interesting side-effects, like making the treated place jump randomly between present and future, making it hard to take efficient showers or to perform useful bodily functions. A few kickbacks to the Wormhole Safety Commission had probably made sure that the device was